In my head it goes deeper. I will never be that mom that slides across the floor in my socks dancing to Michael Jackson the way I want to be....Instead I'm constantly distracting myself from worries,anxiety,negative thoughts,nerves,high heart rate....
Majority of the time for people its the first step that gets their nerves a bit rattled. For me its every step.
Get your kid in pre school..after the first few days he stops crying so you stop worrying...For me its the nervousness of what the day will have in store for me...my thoughts go like this "No better pick on them" "Is there parking?" "What happens if there is no school" "I hope I packed what they need today?" and while they are there... "What time should I leave?" "Is it time yet...no ok.." "Is it time..no.." my nerves get really bad the closer it is for time to pick them up because I am nervous about parking,I am nervous about all the people,I am nervous about driving,I am nervous that my child will tell me something that another kid did to them and I will loose my mommy cool....etc etc. All that I just wrote is the basic outline of my thinking but there is more that because I am not dealing with that certain situation at the moment I can't explain everything. Its very hard to enjoy life when your constantly thinking about stuff that you have to do and how it could go wrong or how nerve wracking it is...or the negative things.. For me I also don't understand things well,I doubt myself along with it and you have someone who is like a deer in headlights sometimes. Something new is harder for me if I do not understand and if I am anxious it becomes mind blackening for me...What does that mean you are probably wondering? Mind blackening is when I know something but I forget.... Thats why a job is hard for me. I could be trained but with my anxiety my mind goes blank,I forget what I know or if I start to get it-I doubt myself so much it clouds my brain even more. I admire people who get a job that are deaf...that struggle with other types of issues because that is who I hope to be some day but when you have just anxiety you are not understood as well. Let me explain before you go thinking I want a pity party. If a person has say Down Syndrome but is working as a bagger at your local grocery store. You understand why they accidentally put your bread on the bottom of a bag or why they forgot to load in the last bag {Please remember this is a example not a put down of syndromes or of people of any type}... I look normal...I seem normal...I don't always act it. Its like a child with ADHD. They look normal but their actions do not always make sense. Not everyone can tell a child has ADHD. Same goes for me,no one will say "Ohhh she has severe anxiety and must have been over the top anxious with how fast the cashier was going and bagged the bags wrong"..... Get it?
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