Today's post I feel like hitting a few random points. I feel like just jumping here and jumping there. Hope you understand. =)
My anxiety is complex, One moment its the unknown,the second its confidence, then other moments its the creepy people that you all of a sudden ask yourself if you are going to be the next person on the 11 news as murdered... And then there's the plain nerves fried like a computer type feelings where you have no idea what happened why or how to fix the darn thing...in this case I am that thing....!
Its not all anxiety I know that. I have had some bouts with depression...not bad but they have happened. I know its the misunderstanding I deal with that sometimes just makes me not leave the house.
I love having everything figured out. All my ducks lined up and ready to go even if there is a few slightly out of place that is better then not having any in line,no idea how to get them in line or where to even start. Not knowing where to start is a feeling of failure and just utter anxiety. Utter nerves run through you because you start to question it all.
Biggest thing for me is unknown. I hate not knowing who to call in a situation or what to do...and I have definitely been sheltered. Spoiled. Lived a easy life for the most part. Anxiety has made it beyond difficult but I never went through stuff a lot of kids do or have. I never saw divorce, I never lived in city or even in town...always back road country...My parents don't swear, they never fought or if they did it wasn't a hurtful end of the world type fight...They didn't have large parties or large get together's often or at all. Family was never really all that close. I was a only child AT home. I do have a older sister. <3 We didn't go to sports games or concerts. My yard was not a spot for my dads extra cars or anything. Things were simple...too simple.
I know in my heart I always had Anxiety because I remember I needed a tutor I guess you could call it before I went into Kindergarten....I didn't need him/her....I just never was confident enough. I still to this day do not understand things well,learning is very hard for me but you cloud that with nerves and I am like a Popsicle in nice clothing....
I photograph things. Yes. I feel empowered when I am behind a camera. I feel amazing. Problem? Oh of course because thats my life. I get nervous driving so setting up photo shoots is difficult. I am nervous about making phone calls...I am nervous about a lot that is holding me back from just taking my business to the top. That kills me.
It is all so hard to explain. Its hard to put your shoes into someone else's I know that. But how can you even try if you think the stuff most people do? "Just nerves" "Its in your head" "Oh just stop" YEA okay...I'll just stop and while I do that why don't you go out and stop with your finger a big rig going 60mph...deal?
Some days its not a people day for me. My house and my animals are my life. Kids first but soon they won't be here to balance me out. School will be starting,NERVES are on fire thinking about that...
My biggest thing is watching people. I watch them do things with ease. My neighbor getting into her car and driving away. My amazing boyfriend talking to random people. My sister being beyond social. My friend going out to a restaurant alone. Those things either don't happen in my life or I don't do them with such ease as others. I can't just decide at 1pm to go visit my parents with the kids, they are 30 mins away on back roads....I have no cell phone, I think about the amount of traffic,if my truck will break down, if there will be construction..blah blah blah! I have never gone out anywhere alone...Yea.... I am working on things slowly. Like I said worst part is once I do it once....it does not get easier the 2nd time or the 3000th time....Where most people are this is routine or this was easy last time or what ever the case be. Each time for me-I am a basket case lol.
Support is a bigggg one. When I had more close friends it was so easy for me because I felt like mother hen. When I feel like that or boss or anything like that I can do a lot more then normal. Also a little key piece about me I use to weight lift and that helped my anxiety sooo much because I knew if anything went down I was gonna take charge and more then likely win! I have broken up my share of fights, I have stood up to a bipolar ex husband, I can lift heavy items like a champ...but slowly I'm loosing my touch and I know that has a lot to do with it. I know also the years I stopped driving almost to a point of not driving at all...really messed my confidence up with it.
With mental issues you need to find what helps. Its like that with most stuff in life. What helps you lose weight or what helps keep your temper in check or what helps you at work.
I have a long road. I have had a even longer road to where I am now. I have had good moments before I became a mom and realized I am the only one who can truly protect my children,so that has my anxiety right BAM there all the time. I also know I can do it and I can start my shedding light on this issue so many people deal with some on a lower level others on a higher level.
I don't take drugs, I don't do counseling. A post will be next explaining my thoughts on both topics. Its not as negative or excuse ridden as your probably expecting. =D
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