I am back and I plan to keep this blog rolling so people can understand other people instead of judging them. I also want people to understand what its like to have Anxiety and the anger issues a normal good mom good daughter good person can still have.
Today before I even had the chance to get dressed, there was a knock at the door and it was my land lady...
First thing out of her mouth was about my dog..Apparently my Pitt/lab mix jumped on the next door neighbor and made her fall....yea..first thought shoot the dog!!! Second thought DAMN you Nakita for loving people too much...Third thought, this is not how I want my neighbors and land lady to think of me... I understand so many people do not care about what others think of them.. and in my opinion thats why we have so many people going into Walmart with a thong,pink fluffy hat and flip flops on...Why our teens talk back and why girls get pregnant so early. No one knows shame or embarrassment anymore. Majority of society does of course but lets me real. Look at the direction of the world.
Nonehteless I am stuck with having my dog that usually have free roam of going in and out on her own tied to a damn post in the ground. I am a big one of how animals should be treated and being tied up is not my idea of okay. I have worked hard with her. She usually stays right in our yard.Never goes to the road. She sits. She gives paw. She is a good dog.
But I respect that its my dogs fault that this all happened so I need to do what I need to do. BUT the real issue for me is feeling embarrassed. I don't want this type of relationship with my neighbors and land lady. I want them to feel like we are the good American family. We take good care of our kids and animals. We don't have a dumpy yard. We do not throw parties. We do not curse. We extended our helping hand quite a few times to the only neighbors we have. We heard on the scanner about the mom who is 80yrs old having a health issue,paramedics were there and everything that morning. That afternoon we let them know we heard it on the scanner and we are here if they need anything and to give our well wishes to her. Etc. This is the people we are. Not bad pet owner of a dog that misbehaved.
There is more obviously to why I just feel low now. That has nothing to do with Nakita. Whole another story on that one. This post is mainly about how I feel. I don't want my old neighbors to hear gossip and go with it. They has issues with me when I left that I never even knew about then went to my land lady now and told her how horrible I was...horrible? Me? They never even say the side that most people see. The side that is off her rocker when pushed to far. I keep that from my kids and the world for the most part. What she said was hurtful because I had lent her my camera,stuff for cooking,watched her kids etc... I felt like we had a nice neighborly relationship. Now since their kids go to the same school,gossip could fall on ears and that is not the status I want here in town. I know I'm a good person. Not always outgoing hard to do with nerves like mine but I am always honest open minded and friendly. Most people know all that but when you have other people planting stories into someones head its hard to compete...
For me the hardest thing is feeling emotion when I am angry. Most people can still feel love for their spouse or other half, or compassion for someone who did something uncalled for....etc. Me. Well.I forget all emotions when I am angry. I forget how much I love my other half. I forget how much I love this town. How much I really don't care if my old neighbor thinks its okay to do what she did,in the end I am happy. I just do not want to feel embarrassed.
This all has a issue that lays deeper. I was not liked in school,I had one or two friends here and there and that was it. Now I have practically no one. I'm not a social butterfly. For the most part I am okay with that. I do want to have people like me though now that I am a mom and a person of society. Now that I am out there I want cashiers to like me,I want neighbors,land lords/ladies,I want people who walk by my house to like me... its all a want. The conversation I had this morning really rocked my boat. Shame for what my dog did. Shame for what else is going on. Embarrassed that people are frustrated with us knowing we are a normal good family. No drug dealing. No animal breeding. I hang my clothes out on the line like the country girl I am. I keep my rabbit safe. I have groomed cats. My kids stay in our yard and play when outside. My stereo is not blaring when I come in the driveway. I have taken on my other half's family with ease. I bake pies. Okay I don't bake pies but I do cook. My garbage is cleaned up. My house does not stink or have maggots flowing out of it. There is no domestic issues at all. I could go on and on. I am a country girl. We wave.We say hi,how are you. Dang it. I just want to cry.
I am not bragging,there are many other people that are better then me of course. I just try so hard to be a good citizen. I see houses with junk piled high,dogs chained up and barking like crazy,people drug dealing and they seem to be more liked then this family now is.
My anxiety already works over time to make sure I am a anti social witch and then I work 10x harder at being friendly and just a simple country girl. I was raised with respect and compassion. I was raised to not allow myself to embarrass myself. Simple stuff like a name mix up or tripping all that fun is life. I know how to laugh at myself.
Life goes on but this does not mean I am not upset. I enclosed some photos of my bad dog. Some photos of us. =) I will be back on here more often then you can stand probably. The mind is something so many people just do not understand. I hope to let you into mine and get an idea of the struggles a normal looking person goes through.
