The words "I am not good enough"

I have been thinking about this quite a bit.. "I am not good enough" hmmm similar to "I can't"? Is it another excuse to not do your best.... Maybe its what people have made you feel like. It could be the failures you have experienced,  in the back of your head shooting you down. It could be comments or what you have personally seen happen around you.

In this case it is none of that. 

 I have grown up watching people start their own business and fail. Also I feel like since so many others are better at what I love to do then that means I am not ever going to be good enough. In this case we are talking about Photography.
 I let my anxiety hold me back so now I do not know how to take that leap into the future of what I love to do which is capture every moment I possible can.
But again its none of that either. Or its not that real contribution to why I feel not good enough at photography.
Its just the thought process of there is no way I have a talent. There is no way I am really any good at what I do and love, My brother really should be here today and me not so much...Thats right. I am constantly for 21 years been telling myself the talented person,the best person with people..The one at a better future..is dead. I am just a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I have told myself for years that no matter what- I will never achieve what I really want.
My brother was amazing at drawing,people interaction,knowing how to say he is sorry,legos and so much more. He had his mind set on goals...I know he was far from perfect. But to me...he was replaced..yea lets use the word replaced by me the black sheep. The square peg. 
Stupid because NO ONE has ever made me feel anything close to bad for what the past held but in my head I have never been good enough like the person that was taken far to young from everyone.  Its a small portion of how I feel. He is constantly in the back of my head.

I know my calling is being behind a camera that and psychology. I know this. Its the two things I can talk to you about for hrs. 
I feel unnoticed though. I have other family members that have reached out to the photography world but not to me. Must mean I am not good enough. Psh. At least that's what I have let my head convince me of. The worst part is being excited then to have the "I am not good enough" to do this pop into your head. You doubt it all very quickly after you think that.

What does those words mean to you? Do they mean you can learn more before reaching out and taking opportunities? Do they mean everyone who has ever made you feel like that is a piece of poo? Do they mean nothing and its just our nerves?

I feel stupid for feeling this way. Other people are dealing with degrading spouses and mean people. People who tell them they can't do something or that they are not good enough. For me I am surrounded by decent people. Kind people. Its just in my head that I refuse to think I can capable of anything worthy of a compliment. A few actions and comments here and there might not have helped but either way.

My other half is always dealing with my perfectionist side. I use that as a way to make sure I am doing something good enough. the house has to be up to my par and if not I am a hot mess. My meals can not be anything less then perfect or I just shut down. My driving has to be 100% my best or I get beyond angry at myself. My animals must be healthy loving animals.  I hate when my anxiety flares up in crowds and I stutter. I won't sleep if my anxiety comes between me and getting something done.  I have to have everything perfect. Now my kids and my other half do not need to be perfect. But things that I can control have to be. My yard.The inside of my truck. My purse.Etc. anything I can clean has to be. I have items from when I was a kid because I kept them in PERFECT condition. I hold on to what I have in case I can never afford or get the chance to own it again. Its just my thought process.  My thought process has always been I am going to fail. I won't have enough money for these things when I am older...thats a thought I had as a kid..What kid has that thought!? 

 So to me I have to step up my game in the areas I can because I am lacking in the bringing in cash area. So no matter how angry I am at them. I try my hardest to shine so maybe just maybe they will forget about the fact that I am a stay at home mom. 
 Another thing is I did not graduate high school. NOT MY FAULT. Long story but I was at that school till the last day,it ended up being the school who messed up and my parents not paying for online courses for me to finish up my credits so I could graduate. Alone with the school really not wanting to budge on helping me. I did not graduate. To me that must mean I could never be good at anything if even the schools gave up on me,when it was never even my fault. If I do everything right and still fail..then whats the point?

These are words that can ruin potential,destination and prospective. They can damper your future and your success.  To get a head you need the mind set to conquer it all.

I know I can take my photography to the next step but I also know there are two hurdles. Finances and anxiety. And because those two things have to do with me it all of a sudden means "I am not good enough" to take this to the next step.

Hopefully I will conquer this problem of mine. I hope to not be so perfectionist like. I hope to be happy with who I am. I am still working on finding who I am. One thing is for sure the words "I am not good enough" need to leave. If I feel this way then I need to figure out what will make me good enough. And if I really am good then I need to conquer my anxiety. I know this. I know I need to be a calmer happier person when it comes down to it. I need to laugh at my bad meals and let the dirt on the floor wait an hr before cleaning it up. I need to realize that just because I do not work(minus my photography) its not horrible like certain people have made me feel like. I am allowed to be proud of who I am. I am not spoiled. I am not dependent.I am not stupid. I am not lazy. I am not anything negative besides being to harsh on myself. I hope other people can deal with this as well. We are all good enough. Just dig deeper.   So many people think they can't or are not good enough and that holds them back. You are good enough to start over, or to begin. Which ever it is.

I hope to address all the reasons I have ever felt not good enough.

Words are so powerful. So are our minds. 

 I hope to begin by getting a better mind set. =)