The Mind

 “Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom


Lets get personal. Most the time I post my every day SAHM stuff. But this blog is to also address Anxiety and the every day struggles that unless you can handle the fact that someone has it worse or have it yourself...can really understand..Hopefully this blog clears the path for understanding us odd balls and I say that with respect.

I do not take pills for my anxiety...Yup my life would be much smoother I'm assuming then again I have seen pills do sad things to people...but either way I do not take them because I want to fight this battle on my own...
Fight it on your own? Your losing you dim-wit.. Yea I am but damnit I want to tell my kids one day that I did it and I did it with basic to no help. Right now I realize I am failing horribly. I don't even pick up the phone if I do not know the #...but I talk to strangers so I'm making head way here.
Anxiety is a feeling that you have all the time...so if I take those pills and I get to become feeling human what happens when those pills are not refilled or stop working or any other negative thing that would probably happen because I have bad luck.
Lately with the shooting,my anxiety is a bit higher. More so at night...The day is a little rough sometimes. My mind is picturing bad things and getting nervous at every car sound and every person walking by. I do have my dog which helps a lot!! I had a dog when I was a teen and more of the anxiety was showing its ugly face and I know for a fact that she helped tremendously with it. My heart also knows what teachers are feeling...I live with anxiety it never goes away there might be a moment where Im okay..Im calm..Im in a positive place but for the most part nothing is simple for me. Getting in the car to go meet someone to do a online sale is not easy as getting into a car and going and meeting them...So I know what the teachers are feeling as they enter their classrooms and every movement outside the window is now being used in our imagination as a reason to be nervous. Your stomach feels like it has 300lb weights inside every time you hear a noise.. You now have a different gut feeling as you get your plan ready for the week your mind wanders to bad thoughts and what happened at NewTown CT. Your mind is excited but then doubtful....You start to deep think things..You think of how you are so much more then a teacher...You deep think everything you have gone over in your school about horrific incidents and what to do if they happen...You find yourself in a different mind set then normal. For most people that will go away the fear will not but the fast pace of negative and deep thinking will go away. The nerve system and everything making you jump will slowing go away to the normalcy of yourself.
Today I changed my daughters room around because I felt like if anyone came around the slight bend in the road they would hit where she sleeps so I moved her bed to the other wall of her room.....Does she know this...No she thinks I needed better access to her windows for photos...I lied to my daughter to cope with my thoughts. This is my life. Welcome. I have blocked off the door to our screened in porch so it makes it harder for a burglar or what not to come through that door...I live in a small town with a small crime rate...I am thankful but my anxiety makes me fearful. My thinking is not always like this, and for the most part my kids have no idea so they do not suffer. I do not want a pity party I want you to stop telling me to get use to life, I want you to stop telling me I don't have anxiety...I want you to stop thinking I want sympathy..because frankly what the hell is sympathy going to do for a person like me? I want you to stop telling me that once I do something it will semm so easy...Easy does not exist in my world.Something are becoming a little more comfortable for me but thats about as far as it goes.  I am me and I will get to be where I need to be with time. I write this blog for no other reason then for people to go "Oh" For people to understand. For people to open their minds and hearts a bit more to people with anxiety. Every day anxiety. Any anxiety.  I want people to go "thats why she does that,It makes sense now" of course it will never make sense because my mind is a jumbled mess but at-least you will get a little insight now. =)
I have been coping and dealing with this my whole life...Its not like this is all I know blah blah no no no my friend I know the other side and the grass is much greener and I will get there..as a mom I promise myself and my kids that I will get there.  I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I am thankful for my life and I make the best out of it. When I find things that work I do them...As silly as they are it does not matter. When I go to the park with my kids I take a drink with me because having something in my hands and something to put in front of my face when I get a defensive nervous feeling helps a lot.  *Defensive usually results in a stranger that makes me uneasy a rarity but still. A car that drives by slow will cause this feeling...Anything that makes me uneasy.
I will let you wrap your mind around what I just said. Again I love this blog for sharing ideas. I love it for venting but most of all I'm hoping I am teaching or helping someone. 


“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
― Epictetus